


until our compass stands still

by ink_stained



Series: Enough for now [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Established Relationship, Jeremy is a mess, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Squip, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rich is a good friend, angsty fluff, boyf riends - Freeform, post-squip depression, sad boys, themes of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-24 00:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17694137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ink_stained/pseuds/ink_stained
Summary: Not every day could be perfect. Not even when things are looking up. But in those moments it's good to have a friend to turn to who understands your pain.--When Jeremy's reality takes a turn for the worse he knows where he can turn for help. And maybe, in the end, everything will turn out alright.





	until our compass stands still

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are again. Welcome. 
> 
> This is a sequel to "A Quiet Darkness" but can be read as a stand-alone without missing the plot. 
> 
> The beginning might look a little similar to AQD but that is apparently just how I like to write these. It's unbetaed so any mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Pleases enjoy!

It’s been fine for a while. Everything had been fine. Jeremy had left the house more days than not, he and Michael were going out more often, he went to his classes and he hadn’t had a breakdown in almost a month now. It was all going fine. Until it wasn’t. 

He woke alone in bed. The blinds where still closed but small shimmers of sunlight were forcing their way through and onto his face. He groaned and rolled over, pressing his face into the pillow below. The apartment was quiet, Michael had left some time ago. Anytime his alarm would go off and he would be forced to face the day. At the moment that felt impossible. 

There was nothing but blankness in his head and it felt comfortably heavy on the pillow. Maybe he could just drift off and everything would be alright. 

Beep! Beep! Beep! 

No such luck. The longer the alarm sounded through the bedroom the more static filled Jeremy’s head until he couldn’t think through it all. Mindlessly he reached for his phone and shut off the goddamn alarm. But it was too late. His head was filled with this mind-numbing static and he knew instinctively that this was going to be a bad day. 

Just the action of breathing seemed like it took too much effort and Jeremy spent who knows how long just securing a steady rhythm of breathing in... and breathing out. 

The goddamn alarm went off again. Not acknowledging it Jeremy reached for the phone and chucked it away from him. He heard a low thud and with half a mind he hoped it had landed on something soft. He had just gotten it fixed a month ago. Michael would be so disappointed if he knew it was broken again. 

The alarm doesn’t stop at the impact though, it just gets muffled. The static in his head is getting louder and louder as the alarm keeps ringing. In the end the only thing he can do is get up and turn off the alarm. 

It’s easier said than done. The static in his head is haltering his thought process and his body doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. Somehow he gets his hands under himself and pushes up. He stares intensely at the bed linen as he tries to force his legs to move off the bed. Somehow in a roundabout way that he can’t really explain he finds himself sitting at the edge of the bed, feet planted on the floor and hands resting on his knees with his head slowly inching towards them. 

He takes a deep breath and rises up. To fast. He slumps down on the bed again, blackness in front of his eyes and loud static in his ears. The only thing that grounds him to reality is the constant ringing of the alarm still laying on the floor. 

Another deep breath, another attempt. This time he manages to keep standing. A few quick staggering steps forwards and he is bending down to pick up the phone. 

The alarm cuts off and the static gets quieter, but still lingering in the background. 

He checks the phone. It’s not broken. That’s a relief. He checks the time. It reads 08.45. His classes start at 09.30. He could make it. Have done so, in fact, many times. But today it took him two tries to just get out of bed and he knows that other things will not be as forgiving. 

_ Give up. It’s no use. _

He’s tempted. God he’s tempted to just go back to bed and never get up again. But then he thinks of Michael. Of how happy he has been that Jeremy has been doing better and attending all his classes. How they were going to celebrate this weekend, just the two of them. He can’t give up now. Not if it means disappointing Michael. 

He walks into the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror. Nothing good will come out of that. He grabs his toothbrush, the blue one. It used to be them, red and blue, a team through everything until he destroyed it all.  _ Pathetic. Weak! _

He slams his hand on the sink, hard. A sting works its way up his arm but the voice is quiet. There’s just static in his head again. 

He brushes his teeth with closed eyes, focusing on the motions and nothing else. 

The next thing is clothes. By some miracle there are no clothes on the floor. Instead he pulls a pair of grey pant out of the drawer and puts them on. They sit loosely on his hips but they stay up by themselves, Michael says that is a good sign, Jeremy is not too sure. He puts on a white T-shirt and pulls out a yellow cardigan. It reminds him of Brooke for a moment.  _ You can’t escape. I’m still here. _ He shakes his head. It’s just a piece of clothing, it can’t hurt him. He puts it on together with a pair of socks and his red converse. 

There’s a note on the kitchen counter as he enters. 

_ There are sandwiches in the fridge for either breakfast or lunch for you. Have a good day! Love /M _

Jeremy stares at the note for a while before opening the fridge. There, in a little box, lies two neatly cut sandwiches, most likely cheese and vegetables, his favourite. He takes the sandwiches and a bottle of water and shoves them in his bag, not wanting to eat anything at the time. He looks at the time on his phone again. 09.04. The campus is a 20-minute walk from here, he needs to get moving. 

He grabs his headphones and shuffles through his play list as he closes and locks the apartment door behind him. The playlist is one he shares with Michael and he can’t help but smile weakly as he hears what is clearly Michael’s music wash over him through the headphones. 

The sun is shining outside and a slightly chilly breeze is tumbling some leaves on the ground as he walks past. He takes the path through the park, its the shortest way. 

He makes it in time for class with five minutes to spare. He sits in the back, trying to blend in. The static in his head is still there and it makes it hard to concentrate on the lecture but somehow he manages through it. His notes are messy and at some places unreadable but it is enough. He got out of the apartment and down to campus. It’s an achievement and Michael will understand. 

The corridors are a whirlwind of people going left and right, hurrying to their classes. Jeremy is done for the day but now he doesn’t want to go home again. With his phone in his hand, he walks out on the campus ground and sits down on a bench under a large tree. It’s a nice spot where you can sit and watch others walk around without being too obvious. 

He unlocks his phone and opens a text thread. 

_ ‘Hey’ _

It’s simple. It’s short. But if it’s the other person he will understand. Jeremy pulls out a book and starts reading a little to keep himself and his hands busy as he waits for a ping from his phone. 

It comes 20 minutes later. 

_ ‘Hey man! Whats up??’ _

Is all it says. 

_ ‘Are you busy?’ _

The reply comes almost immidietly after. 

_ ‘Nah, why dont you come over’ _

Jeremy puts his book back into his bag and stands from the bench. 

_ ‘Yeah’ _

It’s a little longer walk from campus than his apartment but he soon finds himself standing in front of another apartment door. The static is loud in his head as he rings the doorbell and waits. Soft thuds of feet walking can be heard from behind the door just before it swings open. 

”Hey man.” Rich stands in the doorway, dressed in sweatpants and a tank top. “Come in.” 

Jeremy walks through the door and stands awkwardly in the hallway. He had been here before but it still feels weird sometimes. But in the end, it was he who contacted Rich in the first place, and Rich invited him so it’s all fine.  _ You’re just in the way. _ It’s fine. 

“Come,” Rich says and walks into the living room. The coffee table is covered in notebooks and papers. Rich was probably studying for something. Fuck.  _ See? In the way.  _ He freezes in position, just staring at the table. 

Rich walks over to the coffee table and packs away the books and papers. No.  _ A bother. Pathetic. Pest. _

“...I- I shou…” his voice fails him. The static in his head is roaring and his body refuses to obey him. 

Rich looks up at him. Sees his frozen statue and smiles softly, so unlike the old him. “Hey man, it’s alright. Everything is fine. You are not in the way.” He walks over to Jeremy, careful not to overstep some boundary. “If I didn’t think it was okay for you to come I would have said so okay?” 

Jeremy can feel his hands slowly uncurl from the hard grip they had on his bag strap. His heart is slowing down and the static in his head is slowly settling to a buzz again. He nods slowly. 

Rich smiles again. “Good. Have a seat,” he says and motions towards the sofa. “I’ll make some tea.” 

He walks out to the kitchen and Jeremy is left by himself. He drops his bag in the floor before walking to the sofa and sitting down. His leg bounces unrestful up and down as the time passes. The static is picking up again and his eyes can’t seem to find a good place to rest. 

“Here you go bud,” Rich says as he walks back into the living room with two cups of tea in hand. 

Jeremy gratefully takes one of the cups and nurse it between his hands, intently focusing on the slow steam that’s rising from the cup. 

Rich sits down next to him with his own cup. He doesn’t press Jeremy to talk, he never does, he just is there when Jeremy is ready. 

The two of them sits there in comfortable silence, slowly drinking tea. It’s an unusual sight that one never would have thought possible a couple of years ago, but over the years the two of them had worked out their issues and found solace in each other and knowing that the other knew what was going on it their head. 

Jeremy’s tea has grown cold in his hands before he shifts in his position in the sofa. Rich looks up at him from what he is reading and silently offers his support. 

“I thought I was better.” It’s a start.  _ It’s a lie. _

“Are you not?” There’s no judgement in Rich’s voice, just patience. 

“No!” He’s frustrated. “No, I’m not. I’m just pretending until it gets too much and I crack again.” 

“Is that how it feels?” Still there’s no judgement. 

“Yes… I don’t know what to do.” Jeremy places his cup of cold tea on the coffee table and pulls his legs against his chest and wraps his arms around them. 

“Hmm.” Rich doesn’t say anything as he waits for a bit, letting Jeremy breath and collect himself at his own pace. 

“What is it you want to do?” Rich says after a while, still calm and comforting. He’s become very good at this after all this time. 

“I-” Jeremy lets out a breath and press his head against his knees. “I want to be alright. I want to be normal. I- I want to stop annoying Michael.” 

“Do you think you are annoying Michael?” 

“Of course I am.” His voice is dejected, like he is stating a fact that he has come to terms with over and over again. “How can I not? I mean he’s just so- so perfect. And I’m- I’m just destroying his perfect life.”  _ Terrible _ . 

“Have Michael said this himself?” He’s so calm, too calm. Can’t he see?  _ Weak. _

“...No…” 

“So what made you think that you were destroying his life?” 

Jeremy doesn’t answer for a while, doesn’t want to. All the while Rich just sits there, calm, and waits. He never pressures, he never rushes, he just sits there as a comforting presence. 

“I- It did… And-” he falls quiet again, face pressed against his knees.  _ You’ll never be free. _

“And?” 

“...And I shouldn’t listen to it.”  _ As if you could stop. You need me. _

Jeremy feels so small. The static in his head roars and suddenly he can’t breathe. It’s right, he can’t do this. He is just a messed up, scared little boy who can’t do anything without anyone else.  _ See? I told you all along. But I can give you what you need. Just let me in Jeremy. _

He gasps and presses his hands over his ears trying to block out the sounds but it’s all inside his head. He wants to scream but his throat is clogged up. He wants to run away but how do you run from something that’s a part of you. 

_ Give up. Give in. You can’t win. Pathetic. Useless. Weak.  _

Suddenly he can feel a warm weight at his back. Something fluffy touches his cheek and the static in his head recedes a little. His breath still comes in uneven pants but he is slowly coming back to himself. 

There’s a pressing weight on his back. Something over his head. A soothing sound in his ear, a sound not coming from his head. 

His breath is evening out. His mind is catching up to his environment. 

Rich is there. He is rubbing his back in slow circles. He is wrapped in a blanket, which covers his head and protects him from the outside world. Rich is softly shushing him and cooing comforting. Jeremy starts to calm down. He fists his hands to ground himself as he slowly wakes to reality, far away from the voice. 

“Are you here Jeremy?” Rich asks softly, still rubbing circles into his back. 

He nods, his voice still won’t come out but he’s feeling more and more like himself. 

“Good, good.” 

They sit like that for a while, Jeremy slowly getting back to himself and Rich there to ground him. 

“Hey bud,” Rich says softly. “What do you say you lay down here on the couch and I play some movie for you to watch while I call Michael and get him to come over here, yeah?”  

Jeremy closes his eyes and thinks of Michael. Thinks of his warm brown eyes, his soft voice and his kind smile and suddenly he is so overcome with emotions that he can’t help the tears that gather in his eyes. He nods towards Rich, still not trusting his voice. 

“Okay bud, there we go.” Rich stands up and helps Jeremy lay down on the couch. He then turns on the TV and starts playing some Disney movie before he reaches for his phone and leaves the room. 

Jeremy is only half paying attention to the movie, but he hears Rich talking low in the other room. He curls tighter into the blanket and is just overcome with this intense emotional shutdown. He can’t help but yawn and soon his eyes can’t be kept open anymore. He feels the sofa dip down as Rich returns to the room before he succumbs to darkness. 

***

Jeremy is woken up by soft voices talking. His head hurt but the static is almost gone by now. He feels comfortable and safe and shifts a little under the blanket. 

“Jere?” 

He could recognise Michaels soft voice anywhere and he is immediately overcome with emotions again. He shyly parts the blanket to look out, not quite ready to come out fully yet. 

“How are you doing bud?” Suddenly Michael is there in his line of sight, perfect and radiant as usual. 

“Been better,” he says softly. “But you being here helps.”

“Yeah?” The smile Micahel gives him is like a ray of sunshine and it burns away any doubt that Jeremy might have about Michael’s love for him. 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m glad. How about we get you home? I’ve got the car right outside.” 

“I’d like that.” 

“Okay good. Think you can come out from there then?” 

“Gimme a moment.” 

“Take your time bud.” 

It takes a couple of minutes before Jeremy can force himself to emerge from the blanket and rise from the couch. 

“There he is,” Michael says with a smile as he helps steady Jeremy. 

Jeremy just smiles back, as he takes a few steps forwards. 

“There we go,” Michael says and grabs Jeremy’s bag off the floor. 

“Wanna say goodbye to Rich?” 

“Yeah.” 

Like he was summoned Rich appears in the hallway. “You feeling better now Jere?” he asks. 

Jeremy nods and smiles. “Yeah, thank you.” 

Rich waves his hand in dismissal. “Don’t mention it. You would and have done the same for me before.” 

“Thank you Rich,” Micahel says and by the way he looks at Rich it seems like the two of them has some kind of silent conversation that Jeremy is not part of, but he can’t be bothered to care about that right now. 

“Don’t mention it man. Take care of yourselves now.” 

The two of them walks out of Rich’s apartment and down to Michael’s car. The drive home is silent but not overbearing. 

As they get home Jeremy is placed on the couch again while Michael cooks something light and the two of them curl up around each other as they watch something cheesy half-heartedly on the TV. 

Maybe everything isn’t fine. But sometimes it’s near perfect. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave a kudos or a comment. I'm planning more of these and even some from other characters point of view so if you like them hold an eye out for that. Until then!


End file.
